I've been neglecting my blog. I've been really busy working on my Macaroni Kid stuff trying to get it off the ground, but the truth is that is not the only reason that I haven't posted. I am sure I am not the only one that has ever been through this. You see I have writers block.
When I started my blog I wanted to find the place where I fit in, would I be funny, would I be serious or would I just talk about my life and all the goings on and see what happened. I chose the latter. Then I had to make a decision about what parts of my life would remain private, the parts that I would try not to talk about and so far I had done a really good job. Until now. Now I am blocked. Most of you know that the last few months have been bumpy for me and for the most part I have handled it pretty well and in all honesty things have actually taken a turn and are for the first time in a really long time better than they have ever been. But now I am so full, so full of words, ones I am not sure if I want to put out there but after a lot of soul searching and long conversations I have decided maybe the only way to get through it is to get it out once and for all.
There is a running joke in our house about  how "mighty" I am and that there is no one more "awesome" than me. I know the truth, I am not mighty or awesome I am just a person who had to deal with some really difficult cirumstances and decided that I had two choices, feel sorry for myself and wallow in it or pull my self up by my bootstraps and take care of my business the only way I knew how. So here it goes. Before I decided to write this all down. I talked to hubs and he said it was fine with him. He knows that there is a lot I won't say to him but a lot that I need to get out. You see I am a stuffer, If it's bad or I can't change it I stuff it down and focus on the things I can do something about. It may seem like avoidance but it's not. I just don't see much point in dwelling on things you can't change.

Fourteen years ago I met the man of my dreams and well you know what happens next.  We built our lives had our ups and downs, made babies and did the best we could. Six years ago he took a job overseas. He spent three years there in the desert seeing God only knows what. During that time we saw him around 30 days each year. So needless to say when he got home things were different. The babies that were 2 when he left were now 5 and his little girl that was just starting kindergarten was now in 3rd grade. He was very distant, very quite, he didn't smile any more and it was difficult at best. I knew he had started drinking while he was there and not beer he was on the hard stuff. I thought at first that it would just take a little time for him to reaclimate to the "real" world. He was a functioning alcholic always at work and then once home in the bottle. Never abusive to the kids or put a hand on me. But never really here. I was different too. I had been juggling life mostly on my own and except for my friends it was just me. As the last few years passed the drinking got worse instead of better and in the last month finally hit a point at which I knew we were at the end. I felt I only had a few choices none of which I wanted so I started making plans. Then something happend something I never saw coming, something I knew never to even think about. He asked for help.  He checked himself into rehab and has been sober now for almost two weeks. This is the first time this has ever happened. He has never admitted he had a problem, never asked for help. He promised before he would quit usually to get me to back off or to not leave, but he never stopped before.
It is the one thing I was always too afraid to hope for, too afraid to expect and then it happened. I am very proud of him, but I am also not the same person he met or fell in love with. I disconnected myself from this part of my life a long time ago mostly out of self preservation and so that I would be able to sheild my kids and be a good mom to them. I am off balance. Who knew that this would be so hard. The only thing I wanted for so long was for him to be sober and now that he is it is great. I see that guy I met, the one that used to bring me kolaches and chocolate milk at work to woo me. But I am so scared, what if it doesn't stick, what if he doesn't like the person I am now, what if we find out that we don't have anything in common anymore but our kids.
I threw myself into motherhood and managing everything becuase I felt like I had too, so now how do I take a step back and let him find his place. I know that I have trust issues, I've been hurt and angry for a very long time, but it serves no purpose to put all of this on him becuase it won't change anything, the damage is done. The only thing that I can hope for is that day by day each one of the bricks in the walls I have built will come down one by one and we will find our way back. He is very commited to this and also very overwhelmed, clarity is difficult. I know that it takes a lot of courage to do what he is doing and I also know that he can do it and the way I see it is I've been here through all the rough stuff, I wouldn't dare give up on him now. Now that all the cards are on the table and everyone knows whats been hidden for so long a lot of people have asked me how I managed, how did I stay. Partly because when I got married and had the kids I knew it was forever, no one said it would be easy. I'm not sure maybe it's becuase I am so stubborn, maybe part of me just couldn't give up.
I am not "mighty" or "awesome" I am just a someone who knows that even though we may think that our lives are awful and we have it so bad that there is always someone worse off than us. I also know that I could cry until my arms fall off but the only thing that will happen is that life will go on just the same except I wouldn't have any arms. So that is it. I may seem like the "mighty one" the do-it all super mom but the truth is I am a mortal just like everyone else.
I want to say thank you so much to everyone that has been so supportive to me through all of this without you and you know who you are I wouldn't have made it. I love you all, you mean the world to me!

So the hubby and the bestie managed to bully me into going to the Dr. Friday. See I had come up with at least 800 reasons why I wasn't able to keep my appointment. But I sucked it up and went.

The  goal in seeing the MS Neurologist was to rule out MS. Well after 5 long hours of rediculous tests I was instructed to leave to go see another specialist.
Now don't get me wrong this Dr was very wonderful. Dr. Rosa Tang is an optic neurologist in Houston she is amazing. She sent me over to see Dr. Susan Wittenberg  and Dr. Prader who are optic immunoligists. Dr Prader ran me through some tests then an optic ultrasound. This is to determine if the occular muscle is inflamed.

Ok, so I'm thinking that is so weird how in the world do they do an ultrasound of your eyeball. Well even though they numb your eyes its pretty much like having a golf club stuck in your eye. So anyway Dr. Prader says the right eye is mildly inflamed and then he goes to the left eye and after shoving the golf club in my eye like eight times say "Oh wow can you hold on a minute this thing is huge, let me go get Dr. Wittenberg ( who by the way isn't seeing patients at the time but promptly comes in to see me) we talk for a short bit and she is ordering a ton of blood work and x-rays. Now Dr. Prader is one of the sweetest Dr's I have ever met he is very nice and very reassuring, however having a Dr react that way is always mildy disturbing.

Ok so here is what I know so far, most likely I do not have MS. Thats the good news. The not so good news is I definitly have one of the 800 needle in a hay stack Autoimmune diseases, the top of the list is Lupus. So we will see and I guess hopefully before too long we will know what the hell is wrong with me.

I went back and picked Roy up from work and we headed home my head pounding and I was feeling pretty much like my eyeballs were going to pop out of my head. We talked a lot about what we're facing and here's my point of view " It is what it is" , as much as I have put this off  it is time after 10yrs to get the bottom of this. I know that all of these diseases can be managed but I am not niave. I also know that there is a chance that I could die. The thing is we are all going to die at some point. Of course Roy said I probably need more life insurance because all we have is enough to bury me and my response was " No, you know I want to be cremated and divided up so everyone can have a little piece of me hanging around, he then responded with " I need one of those things that I can put on my key chain so I can carry you around with me everywhere I go, and I of course laughed my ass off and said "omg that is a great idea and then everytime you start to do something stupid you can imagine me still there yelling at you and telling you how to do it right" which was then followed with "yeah and I could have WWSD put on it" (what would Steph do) ok I am pretty sure a lot of you are thinking is she really joking about death, does she really take it that lightly.  My answer is yes I am joking and laughing and no I don't take it lightly but, IT IS WHAT IT IS, and I will not spend the rest of my life crying and feeling sorry for myself. Am I pissed?  Thats putting it mildly, but not becuase I'm sick, but becuase I don't want the people who love me to have to go through this. I have been there, I watched my grandmother deteriorate and die way too young and it was horrific. She didn't handle it well, she gave up and I never forgave her for that. I wanted her to fight until the very end but she didn't. I will fight, I will laugh until I cry and I will make inaapropriate jokes and remarks in order to cope with all of this crap. But the one things my kids will know is that I won't give up.

**Side Note I stopped in the middle of writing the blog because Dr. Tang called me  ( at 5:30 on a Saturday evening) to check and see how I was doing and if I got to see Dr. Wittenberg. I told her about the visit and that I have to go for more tests and she was very concerned, I told her my eyes were killing me and I look like Quasimoto and she said to hang on while she called in a prescription to my pharmacy because she didn't want me to suffer until I got back to Dr. Wittenberg at the end of the week. She then told me she was going to order me an MRI for the same day so I wouldn't have to drive all the way to Houston more than once. I thanked her repeatedly and then explained that I was confused because she is after all an MS specialist and she is sure I don't have Ms so why is she still checking on me and ordering tests and she said that MS is just one of her specialties and that she will continue to work hand in had with Dr. Wittenberg until they come to the correct diagnosis and can find me a specialist closer to home. Now I don't know about you but I can honestly say that at this point I could not be more impressed, I have never had a Dr. go to such lengths to check on me or make sure that I was being cared for properly.

So thats the long and short of it, I'm not dying today, and hopefully won't be any time soon. I still look like Quasimoto and feel like I got hit in the face by a train but I am here hanging in and bound and determined to continue to do so.

I started my morning with my parents' equivalent of coffee and a newspaper. I had coffee and blogs. I stopped over at one of my favorites http://suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com/ to see what Lindsay had to say. I really enjoy her straightforward take on the topics and her post from yesterday was about death, the media, and the Internet. It got me thinking about my outlook own death, now be prepared it is not like most peoples.
I will start by saying what I always have; I feel like I was born at a funeral. I grew up with a large extended family and it seemed as though there a very few moments in my life that were not punctuated by a death.
By the time I was 13 I was convinced I was cursed, that the result of my caring about someone was that they would ultimately die and leave me. I didn't know the half of it, it only got worse. I can now .. knock on wood say; I have only lost one person dear to me in the last few years so it seems as death is giving me some time off.

Are you afraid to die? I typically answer this question with " Hell No, I get to rest when I'm dead." I don't think that death itself is the problem, its the ones that are left behind with the emptiness and pain of missing you that is most difficult. I think that all we can do is try leave those that we love and that love us with as many good memories as possible. I talk openly with my kids about death, I don't want them spending their lives afraid to enjoy themselves for fear of death or something terrible happening. We all die and the dying isn't whats important it's the living that we did in between birth and death that matters most. I have threatened everyone that I know with haunting if they give me some horribly depressing send off. I have demanded that there be a full on party with open bar, endless food and tons of music. I want no tears and no regrets. I plan on putting this in writing and have an enforcer appointed to ensure things go the way I want. Lets face it have a touch of the control freak so there is no sense in letting death be the thing that changes that.

I don't want some sappy obituary about how I was a wonderful wife, daughter and mother, because that is not always true. I have my faults. There are days when I yell too loud, I'm too bossy and I am definitely no June Cleaver. I want all of my friends to sit around and do what we do best, laugh so hard we nearly pee our pants. I know this isn't for everyone but its how I feel because all the crying and grieving and locking yourself in a dark room doesn't bring someone you love back. I am not say that there is no room for sadness because there is. But the best way to honor those you love and have lost is to live the life that you have left to the fullest and make every moment count.