Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I've been neglecting my blog. I've been really busy working on my Macaroni Kid stuff trying to get it off the ground, but the truth is that is not the only reason that I haven't posted. I am sure I am not the only one that has ever been through this. You see I have writers block.
When I started my blog I wanted to find the place where I fit in, would I be funny, would I be serious or would I just talk about my life and all the goings on and see what happened. I chose the latter. Then I had to make a decision about what parts of my life would remain private, the parts that I would try not to talk about and so far I had done a really good job. Until now. Now I am blocked. Most of you know that the last few months have been bumpy for me and for the most part I have handled it pretty well and in all honesty things have actually taken a turn and are for the first time in a really long time better than they have ever been. But now I am so full, so full of words, ones I am not sure if I want to put out there but after a lot of soul searching and long conversations I have decided maybe the only way to get through it is to get it out once and for all.
There is a running joke in our house about how "mighty" I am and that there is no one more "awesome" than me. I know the truth, I am not mighty or awesome I am just a person who had to deal with some really difficult cirumstances and decided that I had two choices, feel sorry for myself and wallow in it or pull my self up by my bootstraps and take care of my business the only way I knew how. So here it goes. Before I decided to write this all down. I talked to hubs and he said it was fine with him. He knows that there is a lot I won't say to him but a lot that I need to get out. You see I am a stuffer, If it's bad or I can't change it I stuff it down and focus on the things I can do something about. It may seem like avoidance but it's not. I just don't see much point in dwelling on things you can't change.
Fourteen years ago I met the man of my dreams and well you know what happens next. We built our lives had our ups and downs, made babies and did the best we could. Six years ago he took a job overseas. He spent three years there in the desert seeing God only knows what. During that time we saw him around 30 days each year. So needless to say when he got home things were different. The babies that were 2 when he left were now 5 and his little girl that was just starting kindergarten was now in 3rd grade. He was very distant, very quite, he didn't smile any more and it was difficult at best. I knew he had started drinking while he was there and not beer he was on the hard stuff. I thought at first that it would just take a little time for him to reaclimate to the "real" world. He was a functioning alcholic always at work and then once home in the bottle. Never abusive to the kids or put a hand on me. But never really here. I was different too. I had been juggling life mostly on my own and except for my friends it was just me. As the last few years passed the drinking got worse instead of better and in the last month finally hit a point at which I knew we were at the end. I felt I only had a few choices none of which I wanted so I started making plans. Then something happend something I never saw coming, something I knew never to even think about. He asked for help. He checked himself into rehab and has been sober now for almost two weeks. This is the first time this has ever happened. He has never admitted he had a problem, never asked for help. He promised before he would quit usually to get me to back off or to not leave, but he never stopped before.
It is the one thing I was always too afraid to hope for, too afraid to expect and then it happened. I am very proud of him, but I am also not the same person he met or fell in love with. I disconnected myself from this part of my life a long time ago mostly out of self preservation and so that I would be able to sheild my kids and be a good mom to them. I am off balance. Who knew that this would be so hard. The only thing I wanted for so long was for him to be sober and now that he is it is great. I see that guy I met, the one that used to bring me kolaches and chocolate milk at work to woo me. But I am so scared, what if it doesn't stick, what if he doesn't like the person I am now, what if we find out that we don't have anything in common anymore but our kids.
I threw myself into motherhood and managing everything becuase I felt like I had too, so now how do I take a step back and let him find his place. I know that I have trust issues, I've been hurt and angry for a very long time, but it serves no purpose to put all of this on him becuase it won't change anything, the damage is done. The only thing that I can hope for is that day by day each one of the bricks in the walls I have built will come down one by one and we will find our way back. He is very commited to this and also very overwhelmed, clarity is difficult. I know that it takes a lot of courage to do what he is doing and I also know that he can do it and the way I see it is I've been here through all the rough stuff, I wouldn't dare give up on him now. Now that all the cards are on the table and everyone knows whats been hidden for so long a lot of people have asked me how I managed, how did I stay. Partly because when I got married and had the kids I knew it was forever, no one said it would be easy. I'm not sure maybe it's becuase I am so stubborn, maybe part of me just couldn't give up.
I am not "mighty" or "awesome" I am just a someone who knows that even though we may think that our lives are awful and we have it so bad that there is always someone worse off than us. I also know that I could cry until my arms fall off but the only thing that will happen is that life will go on just the same except I wouldn't have any arms. So that is it. I may seem like the "mighty one" the do-it all super mom but the truth is I am a mortal just like everyone else.
I want to say thank you so much to everyone that has been so supportive to me through all of this without you and you know who you are I wouldn't have made it. I love you all, you mean the world to me!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Oh I have missed you guys sooooo much!!!!! Somehow I survived Spring Break with the kids... barely :) I am so out of shape it is rediculous. But I am pretty sure I worked off some serious calories last week. Ok so I am trying to remember where I left off which we all know is virtually impossible since of course I am suffering from Swiss Cheese Brain and all! The movies were good. I loved Avatar, but of course I am a nerd at heart (please don't tell anyone) I have been since my very first Star Wars movie when I was a little girl! I loved the colors, the technology and just sitting there thinking the whole time omg, all of this stuff was floating around in someones head, that is so amazing to me. My brain doesn't even work at 1/16 of that capacity. Overall I loved it!
We spent last Wednesday at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo and I just want to give a big SHOUT OUT!!! to all of the volunteers and staff!!! Great Job guys. Everything was great as always. The kids had a fabulous time! The three little ones got to see their first concert, Rascall Flatts was amazing. The Bullriding, Chuckwagon Races, Calf Roping and Team Roping was rediculous of course now the entire family has decided that we need to be a family of Rodeo Cowboys and girls! Lol.
Thursday we decided to celebrate Lil K's birthday early so we took the whole family Bowling. It was so much fun the crazy thing was the little kids out bowled the big kids, it was truely hillarious..I spent the rest of the weekend trying to get ready for them to go back to school and get the house recovered from all the damage that was done from having all of them home for a week. It is amazing to me how much of a mess they can make in literally no time at all.
I've been hinting about my new and exciting project that I have been working on so now it is time for the big reveal. I am very proud to anounce that I am now a Publishing Mom of Beaumont Macaroni Kid. I am so excited to be a part of such an amazing and talented group of women! I love being a mom and this is giving me a chance to not only be a mom but use all of my talents and resources I have developed as a mom to make a little extra income and earn some really great perks!! This opportunity is exactly what I have been looking for! If you would like to know more about it let me know I would love to share!!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
This is our Spring Break Week, which is redicuilous, because of course it's not even Spring yet!!!! The weather is awful, the kids are halfway sick but it doesn't matter. We have plans. Yesterday was Loco YaYa's recovery day from her work weekend but today was all out.
We loaded up the fab five and headed to town Lunch at Joe's Crab Shack which was suprisingly delicious and Movie's. We saw Avatar and the older girls saw Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. We are all giving thumbs ups!
Tommorrow is our day at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. We get to spend the evening with the 7 kids and 3 moms at the Rodeo and the Rascall Flatts to top off the evening I am so excited!!! It was my birthday present from hubs, not too shabby :)
Thursday we will be celebrating Lil' K's 5th birthday early it's not until later this month but since everyone is out of school we decided to celebrate early it will be a day of Bowling for all. Now I know what your thinking and yes there is a very good chance that I am going to collapse before this is all said and done. It's possible but we just need one week with no tumors, or hospitals or illness so that's what we are having.
Time to tune a few things out and laugh alot, have a blast and enjoy ourselves and the kids. Friday all goes back to reality with another visit with the Dr. but for now not on my mind.
My new venture is literally blowing up in a good way and with all going on I am so far behind. I am so far behind. The good thing about it is that I can haul my Covey around with me and jot down ideas while we are out and about so it's a win win. Hopefully if all goes well I will somehow be ready for the big reveal this weekend. So the rest of the week may be slow here a few mini posts maybe some photos. I'm sure I will get some great pics tommorrow for a Wordless Wednesday.. if I don't forget. Hope you all are having as great a week as we are !!!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
I want to start this post of by saying Thank You to all of my new followers. I know that I haven't gotten around the stopping by all of your blogs but I promise that I'm getting there. Things have gotten very busy around here all of the sudden!
I started this blog in the beginning as an outlet. Just a place to talk about my life as a mom, wife, daughter and friend. I wasn't expecting to get anything out of it. I honestly didn't think I had anything to say that anyone would really be that interested in hearing!
But I can say that this blog has given me something I never expected. I have met so many amazing new people. Wonderful, funny, creative people who make me laugh and inspire me every day. It has also opened up some wonderful opportunities that I'm not able to talk about just yet but there will definitely be more details to come soon. So I hope that everyone has a wonderful day and I want to again say HELLO and THANK YOU to all of my followers!!!
Friday, March 5, 2010
It's that time if the week again today I will be participating in Friday Follow hosted by One 2 Try, Hearts Make Families, Midday Escapades
This idea is a fun way to find out about new blogs, find new friends, and grow in followers. So hop on over and link up for a chance to meet up with a bunch of great bloggers! I participated last week and had a great time and found some great blogs to follow. So if you have time I encourage you to participate.
Here's how YOU can join the celebration:
--Link up your blog name and URL using the MckLinky below. Only need to add on one blog to be seen on all the blog hops.
--Follow the Friday Follow hostesses listed in the first 3 slots.
--Follow as many blogs as you'd like.
--Take a moment to comment on the blogs telling them you're from Friday Follow.
--Follow back when you get a new follower through Friday Follow.