Saturday, March 27, 2010

Things Aren't Always What They Seem - This is going to be a long one

I've been neglecting my blog. I've been really busy working on my Macaroni Kid stuff trying to get it off the ground, but the truth is that is not the only reason that I haven't posted. I am sure I am not the only one that has ever been through this. You see I have writers block.
When I started my blog I wanted to find the place where I fit in, would I be funny, would I be serious or would I just talk about my life and all the goings on and see what happened. I chose the latter. Then I had to make a decision about what parts of my life would remain private, the parts that I would try not to talk about and so far I had done a really good job. Until now. Now I am blocked. Most of you know that the last few months have been bumpy for me and for the most part I have handled it pretty well and in all honesty things have actually taken a turn and are for the first time in a really long time better than they have ever been. But now I am so full, so full of words, ones I am not sure if I want to put out there but after a lot of soul searching and long conversations I have decided maybe the only way to get through it is to get it out once and for all.
There is a running joke in our house about  how "mighty" I am and that there is no one more "awesome" than me. I know the truth, I am not mighty or awesome I am just a person who had to deal with some really difficult cirumstances and decided that I had two choices, feel sorry for myself and wallow in it or pull my self up by my bootstraps and take care of my business the only way I knew how. So here it goes. Before I decided to write this all down. I talked to hubs and he said it was fine with him. He knows that there is a lot I won't say to him but a lot that I need to get out. You see I am a stuffer, If it's bad or I can't change it I stuff it down and focus on the things I can do something about. It may seem like avoidance but it's not. I just don't see much point in dwelling on things you can't change.

Fourteen years ago I met the man of my dreams and well you know what happens next.  We built our lives had our ups and downs, made babies and did the best we could. Six years ago he took a job overseas. He spent three years there in the desert seeing God only knows what. During that time we saw him around 30 days each year. So needless to say when he got home things were different. The babies that were 2 when he left were now 5 and his little girl that was just starting kindergarten was now in 3rd grade. He was very distant, very quite, he didn't smile any more and it was difficult at best. I knew he had started drinking while he was there and not beer he was on the hard stuff. I thought at first that it would just take a little time for him to reaclimate to the "real" world. He was a functioning alcholic always at work and then once home in the bottle. Never abusive to the kids or put a hand on me. But never really here. I was different too. I had been juggling life mostly on my own and except for my friends it was just me. As the last few years passed the drinking got worse instead of better and in the last month finally hit a point at which I knew we were at the end. I felt I only had a few choices none of which I wanted so I started making plans. Then something happend something I never saw coming, something I knew never to even think about. He asked for help.  He checked himself into rehab and has been sober now for almost two weeks. This is the first time this has ever happened. He has never admitted he had a problem, never asked for help. He promised before he would quit usually to get me to back off or to not leave, but he never stopped before.
It is the one thing I was always too afraid to hope for, too afraid to expect and then it happened. I am very proud of him, but I am also not the same person he met or fell in love with. I disconnected myself from this part of my life a long time ago mostly out of self preservation and so that I would be able to sheild my kids and be a good mom to them. I am off balance. Who knew that this would be so hard. The only thing I wanted for so long was for him to be sober and now that he is it is great. I see that guy I met, the one that used to bring me kolaches and chocolate milk at work to woo me. But I am so scared, what if it doesn't stick, what if he doesn't like the person I am now, what if we find out that we don't have anything in common anymore but our kids.
I threw myself into motherhood and managing everything becuase I felt like I had too, so now how do I take a step back and let him find his place. I know that I have trust issues, I've been hurt and angry for a very long time, but it serves no purpose to put all of this on him becuase it won't change anything, the damage is done. The only thing that I can hope for is that day by day each one of the bricks in the walls I have built will come down one by one and we will find our way back. He is very commited to this and also very overwhelmed, clarity is difficult. I know that it takes a lot of courage to do what he is doing and I also know that he can do it and the way I see it is I've been here through all the rough stuff, I wouldn't dare give up on him now. Now that all the cards are on the table and everyone knows whats been hidden for so long a lot of people have asked me how I managed, how did I stay. Partly because when I got married and had the kids I knew it was forever, no one said it would be easy. I'm not sure maybe it's becuase I am so stubborn, maybe part of me just couldn't give up.
I am not "mighty" or "awesome" I am just a someone who knows that even though we may think that our lives are awful and we have it so bad that there is always someone worse off than us. I also know that I could cry until my arms fall off but the only thing that will happen is that life will go on just the same except I wouldn't have any arms. So that is it. I may seem like the "mighty one" the do-it all super mom but the truth is I am a mortal just like everyone else.
I want to say thank you so much to everyone that has been so supportive to me through all of this without you and you know who you are I wouldn't have made it. I love you all, you mean the world to me!