Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out

I decided to join Shell today for Pour You Heart Out. Check her out for the rules, the main one is Pour Your Heart out and remember to be respectful of others feelings and thoughts.

I'm going to apologize in advance, I am in a bad place today. Not just today, for a while now. But I am at a point now where I cannot hold it all in any more. I am in pain, so much that I can barely stand it. I can barely walk. My skin hurts, my hair hurts, everything hurts. My eyes are not working the way they should and I am angry. I want to play with my kids, I want to run around my 2 acre back yard. I want my life back. I want my memories back.

I spend a lot of time trying to hide my pain, carrying on as if nothing is wrong, pushing through even when I am not sure if I can. I can't believe that I was given my three miracle children only to have them grow up with a mother that can barely function. They do not deserve this, they deserve so much better. I don't want them to have to watch me deteriorate the way that I watched my Grandmother. I know how hard it is to see someone you love suffer in pain.

I want to not feel sorry for myself. I want my pain to go away. I want to find a doctor that will not just send me to another. I want to find a way to be pain free. I want more than anything to be some version of normal.

I know that I am lucky, I would rather be the one with the illness than anyone else. I know that I am fortunate that I have a healthy family. I know that it could always be worse.

I read about Monkey today. I cried and I felt guilty, because I know that even though my body is shutting down on me, my kids are healthy and I am so very fortunate. I remember when the twins were born, two months early, I remember the fear and I know how lucky we are that they survived. I know that not everyone has a healthy child if you have not read about Monkey please do. If you can help in any way please do. Ian over at Daily Dose of Reality Is organizing a fundraiser so if you have anything to donate or would like to enter the raffle stop by and see him. If you would like to make a direct donation to help click on the link below and it will take you directly to paypal. Any way that you can help makes a difference wheather it is through a prayer, a dollar or more.

Click on monkey to donate...please help!


Shell said...

How incredibly frustrating for you. I hope that you can find a doctor who can help you.

Thanks for linking up!

Tylaine said...

So sorry your bodie's givin you a hard time. Glad you let it out though....sometimes we all need to do that. I hope you find someone to help you. :)
Awesome that you had three wonderful kids against all odds ! :):)
Thanks for stoppin by my blog!

Tammy said...

My heart hurt for you girl! No wonder you can't excercise, it would hurt beyond words. Have you been diagnosed? It is so hard to go from healthy to sick. Check out Casey and Teresa from my comments on Feeling Frumpy. Both girls are so sweet but have some huge medical obstacles they are facing. Casey is in a lot of pain daily and Teresa is pretty much bedridden. You would love them, if you don't know them already.
I wish I could send you a big hug!

Angie said...

That is horrible to be in constant pain. I hope you get and answer and a solution soon ((Hugs))

~~louise~~ said...

Please don't give up Stephanie. I have only a slight idea how frustrating it can be to be in so much pain and not know what to do. It took almost a year before a doctor finally diagnosed me with Lyme disease.

To this day, I can bring myself to unearthly anger just thinking about how many doctors shoved me to the side. But, I kept the faith with lots of support from family and friends. And now, I am ever so thankful. Would you believe it was a chiropractor who sent me to the doctor who finally knew what it was?

If it weren't for her seeing me every single day so I could barely stand, I don't know what I would have done!

Keep the faith, Steph...please

Andrea (ace1028) said...

I am just reading this now. I am SO terribly sorry to hear that you have been in so much pain. Please know you're not alone. I'm not sure where you live, but many mommies' groups (my local one, and others across the nation) have added a moms with special needs support group for moms who are impacted daily by health issues, It might be helpful for you to talk with moms who are experiencing something similar. Please lean on friends and loved ones for support. Many hugs to you.