I decided to join Shell today for Pour You Heart Out. Check her out for the rules, the main one is Pour Your Heart out and remember to be respectful of others feelings and thoughts.
I'm going to apologize in advance, I am in a bad place today. Not just today, for a while now. But I am at a point now where I cannot hold it all in any more. I am in pain, so much that I can barely stand it. I can barely walk. My skin hurts, my hair hurts, everything hurts. My eyes are not working the way they should and I am angry. I want to play with my kids, I want to run around my 2 acre back yard. I want my life back. I want my memories back.
I spend a lot of time trying to hide my pain, carrying on as if nothing is wrong, pushing through even when I am not sure if I can. I can't believe that I was given my three miracle children only to have them grow up with a mother that can barely function. They do not deserve this, they deserve so much better. I don't want them to have to watch me deteriorate the way that I watched my Grandmother. I know how hard it is to see someone you love suffer in pain.
I want to not feel sorry for myself. I want my pain to go away. I want to find a doctor that will not just send me to another. I want to find a way to be pain free. I want more than anything to be some version of normal.
I know that I am lucky, I would rather be the one with the illness than anyone else. I know that I am fortunate that I have a healthy family. I know that it could always be worse.
I read about Monkey today. I cried and I felt guilty, because I know that even though my body is shutting down on me, my kids are healthy and I am so very fortunate. I remember when the twins were born, two months early, I remember the fear and I know how lucky we are that they survived. I know that not everyone has a healthy child if you have not read about Monkey please do. If you can help in any way please do. Ian over at Daily Dose of Reality Is organizing a fundraiser so if you have anything to donate or would like to enter the raffle stop by and see him. If you would like to make a direct donation to help click on the link below and it will take you directly to paypal. Any way that you can help makes a difference wheather it is through a prayer, a dollar or more.
30 minutes ago