I found a great link this morning from 5minutesformom. Tackle it Tuesday.  So here I am feeling sorry for myself because I am in the throws of an MS flare and what I really need is something to force me to push through. So I am going to accept the challenge.  We started moving Thanksgiving and with all of the Holiday Parties and get togethers I have managed neglect unpacking all of the boxes that are stacked in my garage creating a constant reminder that I have way too much stuff.

So I am going to make my Tackle it Tuesday goal getting through those boxes. I am going to get the kids to help me get them out and go through them and get it all put up. Now I have no grand illusions that I can do this in one Tuesday but if I can just get through a few boxes each time then it shouldn't take long to be able to reclaim my garage find all my sewing and crafting stuff and then not feel so defeated each time I walk out there to go get in the car. So wish me luck. Here's the before pic. Lets see what happens after!

After a very busy week last week I have finally managed a little time out. Not by choice though. Once again I have run my body ragged so here I sit folding laundry which just happens to be the least painful thing I can do. My mom always says " if you don't slow down, you'll fall down!" So yes here I am admiting that she is right.. for now.
Christmas was good this year, here we are in the new house surrounded (litteraly) by all of our friends and adopted family. The kids were all happy with their gifts even though this year I didn't go all out. We added two new members to the family Buckley and Ella. The kids were so excited that not much else mattered. 
The best gift I got this year was everything, the laughter, and giggles sprinkled with hugs and kisses.  I am working on my "space issues" and the hugs are getting a little easier. I am still working on my New Years resolutions, trying not to give in to my strong impulses to resolve not to resolve.  The list is long and I am trying not to chicken out and only put the ones on there that I know I can keep up with. 
I am looking forward to friday, one of my best friends is coming for a visit. I haven't seen her in years and I was so excited when she called and said she  was coming for a visit.
The kids are going to be out of school for another week and a half so hopefully I will keep hanging on. I've been trying desperately to keep the house pickedup to no avail. I am not sure what it is about a clean room that makes the kids want to mess it up. I was so proud yesterday looking at my last basket of laundry to be folded. Ahh but the munchkins had left me a surprise in the much hated built in laundry bin in the house that I keep forgetting is there, 4 more loads of dirty laundry, oh the joys of having kids who change clothes 3 times a day and only use a towel once! Now if only the laundry fairy would hurry up and get to my house I would be doing great!

So here I am in the final countdown 2 days left till Christmas and of course I'm not ready. This is not typical for me. Usually I am done with all my shopping and preperations by the second week in December. This year not so much. I have the presents all but 2 , I still have wrapping to do and I am working on my last 2 crochet projects. Whoo I am worn out just thinking about it
We are still not quite settled into the house, I'm thinking right between Thanksgiving and Christmas isn't always the best time to move! But it has been worth all the craziness. We love the new house and we are with our people.
We had a wonderful party last night, a house full of friends and family. It was great the kids were all running around crazy and the friends well we tend to get a little crazy too! There was tons of laughter and lots of love, which is always great. I can honestly say this was the best holiday get together we've had in years. 
I'm working on my resolutions I don't have them all figured out yet so I will talk more about those later. I have been getting more involved in the online community. I am loving Momtv, and the wonderful group of ladies that I have met via twitter and various blogs. Its amazing how small the internet has made the world, but I am loving every minute of it. I hope to continue to become more involved over the next year and I am even hoping I can possibly go to Mom 2.0 it will be in Houston which is just a hop, skip and jump. I can't wait to see where this new adventure takes me. So I am wishing everyone a wonderful Christmas and a Fantastic New Year!

Tommorrow marks the beginning of my countdown. The kids all get out of school on Thursday, so there  is much t do between now and then. I have finished 3 of the scarf and hat sets. Tommorrow I will need to run to the grocery store and pick up the rest of th backing items that I need. This year I am going the homemade route. I am going to make quite a few gifts in a jar. I am also doing all of the crochet sets.  I still have white elephant gifts to pick up and I still need to pick up the rest of the kids Christmas gifts for the kids and frankley I have hit a wall. There are so many things they want but I have promised myself that I won't go over budget and I really have no desire to spend a fortune on gifts that will only end up getting donated or thrown away in a few months.  I am still not through unpacking and moving we still have things at the other house but my health is giving me a run for my money and now on top of everything else I think I have an ulcer.  I love Christmas and usually I am all out in the mood but this year I just haven't gotten there yet. Maybe I need to take a step back and regroup. Hopefully the baking and the crochet will help settle me down both of those always seem to calm my nerves quite a bit. So its time to make the lists check them twice and put on my big girl panties, pull myself up by my bootstraps don the santa hat and get it all done. Wish me luck!

I keep telling myself that I am going to spend more time working on my blog. Well evidently I am way more talk than I am action! But seriously, this time I have a legitimate excuse, we just moved. This wasn't one of those we've been planning for months moves, this was OMG I found the perfect house in the perfect place and 10 days later we were moving. I know this sounds rash but sometimes you just know when something is the right thing and I really think this was the right thing. For the first time in a while my stars aligned and things fell into place.
My new house and my new town feel have made me feel like I have finally come home. I am now literaly steps away from most of my nearest and dearest. My kids are happier than they have been in years. The new school has been a much needed and welcomed change. It was so crazy to me to have most of my girlfriends painting and unpacking getting me moved in. It was wonderful to have people. I love my people!
Christmas is right around the corner and I am busy shopping, unpacking, crocheting and resisting the urge to start any sewing projects even though my creative brain is in overdrive. I have overdone it way to much lately and now my body is rebelling, which really sucks because I am so excited about all that is going on. My bff just got something done that she has been waiting years for and I am so grateful and thankful that this happed for her she deserved it. My nearly grown 10yr old is thriving, the downside BOYS! but hopefully she will continue to love her new place. The twins, well they are themselves as always and the world is still revolving around them but I think that is the way that is supposed to be. Did I mention the best part, My people, even hubs seems a little more content, which is a good thing. My illness is flaring but I am hanging in there, trying desperately to hide it but not doing a very good job. So I am going to slow down a bit and let my body catch up and get ready for the weeks ahead.
Monday kicks off my annual pre-christmas baking, which I love and despite having to wash dishes which I hate, it soothes me. There is something about all the smell of fresh baked bread, pies, divinty, fudge and cookies that sends me back to a place that brings me great peace. So its time to dig out the aprons, make the lists and get ready to get busy. And try desperately to resist the urge to be Lazy!

OK so I have been growing my hair out for a while now. Part of me says I'm going to donate it, part of me says I'm just too busy to go get it cut. But now I have a problem. I'm stressed and most of the time when I am stressed I take it out on my hair. So I am trying not to be impulsive and run down to the cut n dry and have it all whacked off to make myself feel better because I am pretty sure it would make me feel worse. So I am going to try something different I'm going to try to write it out.

First, my family is in transition right now, we have been going down a path for a few years and now that just doesn't seem to be working out so it's time for a change and we are busy looking at options and waiting on responses and frankly it's driving me crazy. I have patience, but I hate not having any control at all over things and right now everything is out of my control.

Second, I have finally decided to let someone go once and for all. I actually decided it a while back but I am still dealing with it. Its hard to grieve for someone. This person didn't die but has been dead to me for a while now and I know that sounds terrible. But my reasons are pure, this person is toxic to everyone they have ever encountered. They have hurt everyone around them and they have used anyone they ever thought could do something for them and after a few years I just want this person out of my life for good. No more dropping by unannounced, I don't want to know what goes on in their life and I don't want them any where near mine. I have never been a cruel person I have always tried to help anyone who has ever needed it regardless of if they ask or not. I am just so tired of being angry and disappointed. I am tired of hearing about their "perfect" life that they have built on the backs of everyone they have ever screwed over. I am tired of hearing about their "perfect" family all the while knowing about the family they abandoned without a second thought. Frankly I'm just done and if that makes me a terrible person then that's something I just have to live with but one thing I am not is fake and I can't pretend to agree with or even sit in the same room with a smile on my face with a person that has left so much destruction in their path.

Third, My person is having surgery soon. She has been waiting so long for it and she needs and deserves it but I'm worried. It's fairly routine but I still worry. She's my person and I'm supposed to worry about her, I know that she will be fine but still I worry.

There are a slew of other things that are making me crazier than normal going on right now but these are just my top three. I know that it will all level out, I know that whats going to happen is going to happen and there isn't anything I can do about it but still I worry and stress. So here I am desperately trying to resist my urge to chop off my hair, I know it sounds crazy but it's the one change I can control so still the question remains to snip or not to snip?

I haven't blogged in a while. It's not that I don't have anything to say I'm not sure if I want to say any of it out loud. There seems to be so much happening lately some good some not so good. The good is all the kids have been doing great in school. The volunteering has been not too busy but there's still so much to be done.
I finished up another crochet project, a baby blanket, hat and booties. They turned out pretty good. I'm still working on Ro's blanket.
The not so good, well I'm still not sure if I'm wanting to put it all out there.
I'm loving the touch of fall weather that we're finally getting here. Hopefully it will stay for a while.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I haven't posted in a while, not because I haven't had anything to say. There has been plenty going on as always, but I have been out of my medicine for almost a week so needless to say, my brain is in a haze and my body is wrecked. The good news is we finally have insurance so I can get my refills this week and hopefully get this brain on back on track.

I've been invaded by gremlins again, I should have known when the TV went out a couple of weeks ago that this wouldn't be the only incident, true to form they invaded my electric mixer as well which blew up in the middle of mashing potatoes the other night and then in which I can only hope is the icing on the cake the motor in my car blew up...Really? I know, I know, "when it rains it pours " blah blah blah. And then there's my old favorite "Adversity builds character" At this point I think I have enough character to last for at least three lifetimes.

So far the school year is going well, all three kids seem to really like their teachers and classes. We will be getting in full swing with the volunteering as Sept. and October are incredibly busy months. I also have a couple of other "outside" projects I am working on which I really hope do well. I am still working on my crochet projects and they are still starting to pile up.

I am trying to get rested up to get ready for the first big Football game this Friday, we will be tailgating first which the kids always enjoy. We have more family coming in this weekend. we are still working on the swimming pool repair which hasn't gone nearly as bad as I thought so far. There have been plenty of laughs involved and so far no broken bones so hopefully it will stay that way. But with the gremlins on the loose who knows what could happen next.

I've been seeing a lot of twittering going on about gratitude. I also saw that many are participating in a Gratitude challenge. It has me thinking a lot lately about what I am grateful for. There are so many things, my kids, my friends, my family, the life I have, my husband ( even though he drives me crazy most of the time) lol.
In this busy world that we live in it is so easy to get caught up in our everyday lives, all of the things that go wrong, the trials and struggles. I do believe that sometimes we have to be grateful for those things as well. My kids get so mad at me all of the time because when something happens to them I usually respond with "adversity builds character" which of course if always promptly followed by stomping feet and slamming doors. The truth is I actually believe this, I believe that with out the difficult times and getting off track you may never truly be able to see or appreciate the good things when they come along. These things don't have to be huge or life altering they can be as inconspicuous as a butterfly kiss.
So today I am grateful for good friends, a big ole Texas sky, a concert that made me feel young again (even if it was only for a few hours) a husband that tucked my kids in and kept them safe and kids that ran into my room this morning to hug and kiss me and tell me how happy they were that I didn't run away with the band.

It's that time of year again, the one that brings sadness for some and elation for others, yes you guessed it, School is about to start again. For most of us weary moms who are out of ideas to entertain the kids we cannot wait for that first school bell to ring. The kids are another story, some are excited, some nervous and some downright terrified.
Before we can send them off for that glorious first day there is one more terrible task we must complete...Back to School Shopping and so the story begins.

Since RoRo is 10 now I try to let her embrace her inner fashionista. My main rule is as long as nothing is hanging out or being exposed I am pretty much o.k. with letting her pick her own clothes. I do however reserve the right to veto any outfit that I feel will cause her to get taunted or teased, it is after all my duty to protect her as much as possible and make sure she never ends up as a "Glamor Don't".

Last night as I sat in bed catching up on my Tivo and surfing the web she comes into the room and says to me "Mom, I would like to talk to you and show you some pictures of the type of outfits I would like this year for school, I am going to be a 5th grader and my tastes are changing."
So here I am thinking o.k. this shouldn't be too bad, last year she was a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. Oh how wrong I was, as she flipped through the pictures and pulled up the websites all I could think was oh my gawd, you have got to be kidding me, I have been sucked into an evil time transporting worm hole and been firmly deposited right back into the 80's.

First it was the Converse which I will admit are quite cute these days however, when I wore converse we bought them at Gibsons and got them because they were the only thing we could afford and they were always the tell tale sign that you were too poor to get anything else. Second it was neon colored jeans, seriously they were a bad idea the first time why oh why are they on the racks at all of the stores taunting or little girls and torturing those of us who managed to burn every picture we ever had that was evidence that we were slaves to fashion and wore them the first time around. Last but not least it was the plaid, it is everywhere, in every color imaginable in every store, in every catalog and on nearly every website.

Is this some kind of joke? Did the Fashion Powers that be decide to punish those of us who made these horrible fashions popular the first time around. I really don't think that I can in good conscience purchase these items. I know in 15 years when she is looking back through her photos she is going to give me that horrified look and ask " How could you not love me enough to convince me that I had no business wearing this stuff." This is something I am sure of because I too have recently asked my own mother this question. I love my daughter very much, enough that I think I will allow her to hate me for saying no to the horrible resurrection of 80's fashion. I am sure someday she will thank me for it.

First of all I have to start by saying, I told myself I was going to try to write a little everyday. Whatever!! We plan and God laughs .. Alot.

This last week has been so crazy, but I knew I better sit down for a minute and put something on paper or laptop or whatever we are calling it.

Aerosmith was Amazing, it was worth waiting most of my life for and there is no one I would have rather shared that with. I spent the next two days trying to relieve some of my mommy guilt by spending extra time with the kids and taking them out. We went to see Transformers 2 and it was really good. I have to say though nothing got too me more than when Optimus Prime died and my sweet little boy climbed in my lap with a face full of tears.. could it be possible? Is there a chance that he will be sensitive? I know that Hubs has been known to cry at a commercial or two... but he was so sweet and all in all we had a good time, the kids loved the movie.

Monday I decided to run away, now this is not the 14 yr old version of runaway, this is call your Bff on the phone, check and see if she's up for the villagers, pack up all the kids and head out. So I am not really sure if its really running away when you take your kids with you. I will return home at some point. I am spending time getting my thoughts together. Helping YaYa get her house in order and hanging out with all my girls and our tribe.

Of course there is always some craziness going on around us, I guess that's what happens when your nearest and dearest include more than 10-20 people. We all love each other like family and when one is up in arms we're all up in arms. But the upside is there's always someone to catch you when you fall, call you on your crap, laugh with you till you cry and slap the shit out of you when you need it. Thank the Lord for great friends.

YaYa and I have been friends for such a long time now and here we are 11 yrs and 5 kids later still navigating the misadventures of motherhood. Its funny it seem even though looking at us you would never imagine us as friends, we have balance, and tons of laughs. Over the years the one thing we have always wanted was to find one project that would make our lives as moms easier. We think we have finally picked one and with any luck we can take all of our experiences, fun and laughter and put it together with much success.

Poor hubs he's been on his own for almost two weeks now. It was bound to happen, after 13 yrs he has forgotten how to cook. I am pretty sure he is starving to death. He has managed to find a crockpot so hopefully he will be able to scrounge enough sustenance to last him until we return.

YaYa's house remodel is coming along great. It is true that nothing makes you happier than seeing a beautiful finished product and know that you did it or helped do it. For many years I have wanted nothing more than for her to have a place of her own to do and decorate how she wanted. Lord knows that she has picked up a paintbrush too many times to count over the course of our friendship for me. So it is time for payback so I am here brush, screwdriver, hammer and nails in hand.

The doc has put me on a new med which has helped a great deal. I have had more days than not where I have felt almost like the supermom I set out to be. I have been able to do a lot of mental inventory, I am doing my best to reduce my stress and make the most of the life I have. I want to be able to give my friends and family the best parts of me with as many wonderful memories as I can.

There are so many things coming up Sunday is the Katy Perry concert that I have been holding over my daughters head so needless to say I will be looking for something new to manipulate her with after that's over.. We have a big end of summer party planned a week from Saturday so the renovations here at YaYa's are in high gear. School starts in a couple of weeks so I am hoping to get another beach trip in before the 24th.

I have fallen in love with my Iphone more and more each day, I love it and I will say that I am not sure how I ever functioned without it. It has offered me entertainment, efficiency and now piece of mind. On the trip to YaYa's as all of the kids were yelling, screaming and fighting and I had nearly reached my limit on the amount of times your allowed to say " if you don't stop that right now I am pulling this car over", It occurred to me that in my purse lay the headphone I had haphazardly thrown in there when I took the Iphone out of its box. I very calmly requested from my oldest to please hand them too me, I inserted them into the phone and then in my ears cranked up the tunes and finished my drive in a calm state delivering all of us safely to our destination. Again I say, " Thank you Apple for my Iphone which I love so very much."

WooHoo it worked I'm officially a techie I'm just mad that iPhone put video on the phone three weeks after I bought my damn Murphy's Law...

Ok I am trying to figure out how to post to my blog from my phone..obviously I am officially addicted

I decided that today was going to be my day. I mean really doesn't 10yrs of thankless servitude warrant at least one day where I can say "handle it yourself" ? I never go anywhere without the kids. So today is the day that I am going to go to see a Concert I have waited 25 yrs to see. Its ok if I let the kids eat junk all day and sit back and relax while waiting for 5 o'clock to arrive. Right? Like right now for instance my hair is done, my toes are painted and I am blogging while the kids are launching paper airplanes into the ceiling fan. There's no harm in that. Is there? Here's how I see it the planes get launched they hit the ceiling fan the dust flys off the blades the kids laugh, they're happy and my ceiling fan is getting dusted... Two birds one stone !!

I started my morning with my parents' equivalent of coffee and a newspaper. I had coffee and blogs. I stopped over at one of my favorites http://suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com/ to see what Lindsay had to say. I really enjoy her straightforward take on the topics and her post from yesterday was about death, the media, and the Internet. It got me thinking about my outlook own death, now be prepared it is not like most peoples.
I will start by saying what I always have; I feel like I was born at a funeral. I grew up with a large extended family and it seemed as though there a very few moments in my life that were not punctuated by a death.
By the time I was 13 I was convinced I was cursed, that the result of my caring about someone was that they would ultimately die and leave me. I didn't know the half of it, it only got worse. I can now .. knock on wood say; I have only lost one person dear to me in the last few years so it seems as death is giving me some time off.

Are you afraid to die? I typically answer this question with " Hell No, I get to rest when I'm dead." I don't think that death itself is the problem, its the ones that are left behind with the emptiness and pain of missing you that is most difficult. I think that all we can do is try leave those that we love and that love us with as many good memories as possible. I talk openly with my kids about death, I don't want them spending their lives afraid to enjoy themselves for fear of death or something terrible happening. We all die and the dying isn't whats important it's the living that we did in between birth and death that matters most. I have threatened everyone that I know with haunting if they give me some horribly depressing send off. I have demanded that there be a full on party with open bar, endless food and tons of music. I want no tears and no regrets. I plan on putting this in writing and have an enforcer appointed to ensure things go the way I want. Lets face it have a touch of the control freak so there is no sense in letting death be the thing that changes that.

I don't want some sappy obituary about how I was a wonderful wife, daughter and mother, because that is not always true. I have my faults. There are days when I yell too loud, I'm too bossy and I am definitely no June Cleaver. I want all of my friends to sit around and do what we do best, laugh so hard we nearly pee our pants. I know this isn't for everyone but its how I feel because all the crying and grieving and locking yourself in a dark room doesn't bring someone you love back. I am not say that there is no room for sadness because there is. But the best way to honor those you love and have lost is to live the life that you have left to the fullest and make every moment count.

It's finally Thursday, woo hoo! I have a million things to do today including continuing to work on Baboos blanket. He is threatening to hold me hostage until I complete it so I'm thinking I will work a deal out with him. If he picks up his messes I'll finish the blanket. I realize he is only six however, my thought process on the whole picking up your own messes thing is that it is just making them in reverse.
I've never really understood how three little people can make so many messes at once. It seems as though they move in reverse. If I'm cleaning the bedrooms they are destroying the living room and vice versa this pattern continues through out the house until I make my way back to the beginning only to find that it's just as messy as it was when I started. I have been threatening for quite a while now that I will go on strike and never clean again until they all go off to college. I am thoroughly aware that this is neither practical or feasible, but seriously am I the only one that feels like a hamster on a wheel.
Now to the woo hoo part, My best friend and soul sister YaYa did the most amazing thing for me. She got us Aerosmith tickets for their concert tomorrow night. Now I am fully aware that I am a way to close to forty mother of three who probably doesn't have a lot of business at a Rock Concert but It's Aerosmith. I have wanted to see them since I was twelve years old and every time the opportunity arose something always got in the way. So I am going come hell or high water and I fully plan on letting down my mommy do and having a rocking good time. Of course I turn on the weather this morning and hear our lovely weather girl report that after nearly a two month drought we may finally get rain... hooray.. not so much... its supposed to be tomorrow during the concert I have been waiting my whole life for. Murphy's Law Sucks. It never fails but this time it will not get in my way I will sit there in the rain if I have to, fight off the pterodactyl size mosquitoes and have the time of my life with my best friend and sing until I can't talk anymore ( which I am sure the hubby and kids will very much appreciate.. silence is golden after all).
Now needless to say I am going to have to find something to top this as her Christmas gift but I'm really not sure if I can come up with anything better than this. Short of giving her a weeks vacation in some exotic location away from her kids on a mommy hiatus !

I want to preface this by saying I love my Husband so much. He is complicated, funny, sweet, infuriating and most of all entertaining.
So this morning over coffee I thought I would open a dialog about preparing wills and having life insurance so I tell him I'm needing to look in to getting some life insurance, I'm thinking around $500,000 and with out skipping a beat his response was " Careful honey, you don't want to get to much it may give me an incentive" It took half a second before we both burst out laughing, but seriously... did he really just say that.

What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
Albert Pine

I love this quote, it is something I try to live by each day. I know that I cannot take any of this with me but there is so much I can leave with those I love. All of my secret family recipes, my love for arts and crafts, the extended family that we have built. And the ability to have a sense of humor no matter how bad things get. Laughter is the fuel that keeps us going even when every obstacle possible seems to be blocking our way.

What is the quote that seems to fit your life?

When I was a little girl I used to sit along side my Big Mama and watch her crochet. When I finally got old enough for her to teach me she was to ill and I never learned.
So a few months ago I decided that no matter what I would learn to Crochet and thanks to the help of modern technology and YouTube I now consider myself an advid crocheter. So far I've made 3 blankets, some hats and a ton of scarves.
It seems as though eachtime I finish one project someone else makes a request and even though I grumble a little deep down I feel excited that someone thinks I have done a good job.
Now I find myself never leaving a craft store without some yarn, the kids hold me hostage in my room constantly reminding me that I haven't finished their projects. Don't tell anyone but I am loving every minute of it so now my sweet baboo is constantly asking " mamma did ju finish my blanky yet, ju need to huwwy up I can't wait no mo" So it looks like I will be pulling a few allnighters to get this done, I can't wait to see the look on his face when its finished.

I have always wanted to be a mom, I was always the one that would rather be holding a baby than playing with my friends. We tried for a while with no luck to get pregnant and the after finally finding a couple of amazing doctors, just when I was ready to give up and accept that I would never have my own children I found out that finally all of the tears, prayers, injections, and meds I was finally going to have what I had been waiting on my whole life.

In May of 1999 I was inducted into this crazy fraternity called motherhood. After many years of hoping, wishing and praying my beautiful little girl made her entrance into this world kicking and screaming something she still hasn't grown out of. This amazing person that surprises me each day. She is funny, infuriating, creative, intelligent, all of these things that I can't believe I helped to create.

In September of 2002 my fate was sealed when my Twins came along and completed our family. They couldn't wait and arrived 2 months early but after only two weeks in the NICU they were able to come home. They are amazing, they fight, laugh, kick and scream at each other but still can't stand to be away from each other either.

My husband teases me all of the time saying that I collect kids like most people collect shoes. I have become the mom that all the kids come to, so now I have 12 co-children that call me NeeNee..I love this family that we have built, it is everything that I have every wished and hoped for.

I decided to start this blog as a way to keep of with all that goes on. My memory has not been very reliable and there are so many things that I want to pass on.

Last week I found out that I most likely have Multiple Sclerosis, I have been going down hill for the last 9 years. I have been to so many doctors and had so many tests and have not been able to find out for sure. I will not know if I finally have the correct diagnosis until I get in with a specialist. It was odd, I feel relieved almost because once we know for sure I will be able to better manage my life. I mostly feel guilty, I don't want my kids to grow up and feel cheated or like I have been a burden to them. My plan is to pull myself up by my bootstraps put on my big girl panties and make the most out of the good days.